5 O'clock Somewhere

Do vampires wake up and drink coffee or cocktails, since their morning is during happy hour?

I guess it starts at Four

My four-year-old daughter asked my husband the other day which dress she should wear to preschool. "This one, or this one?" she asked. My husband picked one, and she said she decided to wear the other one...because Frank would like it. Um, if I didn't know Frank was a kid in her class I would have been a tad bit concerned. And actually I still am. I guess this all starts at four.

Coochie Coochie

Is Charo still alive and if so, how old is that broad?

Annual visit

I got a piece of cinnamon crumbcake from my Gyno's office today during my visit, and no, that is not a new slang term for the clap.

Do condoms really work?

My husband and I had our first weekend away in over 4 years. Two pregnancies and two baby girls later, needless to say we were long over due for some time alone. With that said, the question I have is, do condoms work? I'm not on any oral contraception and am feeling a bit queasy this entire week. Ummmm, huh? Seriously is this happening or maybe it is all in my head. The drink of the week is water, in order to pee on a stick.

Cup of Joe-anne

My morning cup of coffee, is more than just some silly caffeine fix. It's my nod to the day. My way of getting mentally prepared for the chaos that will soon begin.

Having two young girls, under four, is chaos in its most reliable sense. Without my fake vanilla flavored, possibly over sugared, cafe, where would my head emerge? I rely on this cup probably too much, but then again, I don't have a coffee break at 10am, and a cigarette break at three. I get no breaks, I am a mom. If I need one darn cup of coffee to make me feel better, so be it. Cheers to the cup of Joe.

Momzilla

Selling wedding dresses is an interesting business. Just yesterday there was a girl who was probably a size 14. Her mother was a frumpy mess, but insisted on her wearing a "Beyonce" type dress. Huh?

This poor girl found a dress she loved. It fit her like a glove and she was beaming, she looked beautiful. Her mother said "She's already wide and this dress makes her look even wider". We were all crushed for the bride.

I hope she comes back without her mother, that goblin of a MOB.

Bitter or Honest?

I seem to be one of the few people I know who post the truth on their facebook pages. Does that mean I am honestly bitter or bitterly honest?

Food Revolution

Is it wrong that I got the idea for "Bisquit Donuts" on Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. Hint, they were on the bad list.

The Final Rose Ceremony

I'm quite embarassed to admit I'm watching "Inside the Bachelor", but think it's funny they didn't call it "Inside the Bachelorette", assuming that would have been in poor taste.

Deadbeat Dads Beware

I love how entertainment shows are questioning Kate Gosselin and whether or not she'll be able to handle Dancing with the Stars and raising eight kids, why don't they ask if her dipshit ex-husband will be helping out so she can pull it off.

Wine beware

Beloved crushed grapes, you will be my victim tonight, beware Pinot Noir, beware Meritage.

Safe and Special

All women want to feel is safe and special. Take that as you wish, but think about it. Safe and special. Flowers, a home, a warm person to be with, respect all make us feel safe and special. It is all we really want.

60 Day Plan?

My husband came home on Monday with a 60 day plan from his sales job. If he doesn't meet the requirements in the plan he will lose his job. Seriously? He's been doing so well, I guess it doesn't matter if you do a great job if somebody doesn't like you...somebody doesn't like you.

If pregnancy is in the water, I'll pass, or will I?

Having two children is enough right? Then why do I have a pit in my stomach telling me three may be the right number? I'm not getting any younger and I have no idea why I want to be outnumbered...but I can't help but think, maybe, just maybe another one would be great. Hmmmmm. Ain't gonna happen soon and maybe I'll talk myself out of it, but it's a hard question to answer.

Morning Joe

My drink of choice this morning is a piping hot cup of Diedrich's French Roast. Mama needs her coffee in the morning.

Friday Night Red

Kids are in bed, but Mama and Daddy are not. We're opening a bottle of Rosenblum Zin and watching a movie or something light.

Two Kids and a Grocery Cart

Dear Trader Joe's. How the heck am I supposed to shop at your lovely store with two kids? There is no way I can fit both of them in one cart as well as shopping for more than one meal. I really love your market, but c'mon, I'm guessing a man picks the designs for your carts as men never seem to take children out shopping, or go shopping at all.

Whining V. Crying

I'm of the thought that whining is SO much more annoying than crying. Maybe that is because whining can go on infinitely and crying only seems to last about five minutes.

Allowed Freak Outs

OK, what justifies as a legitimate freak out? And when are we allowed to do them? I was in Target with my girls just this afternoon when I leaned over to look at one picture, I say one, because in that time my eldest daughter started choking my youngest one...needless to say I freaked out. I tried to smack my daughter's hand away from the little one's neck. Is that ok, is that legitimate, when you think one of your children may die is it ok to freak out?

And I Thought Homeownership was a Pain

Seriously, now water is coming in my baby girl's room. What the crap? Maybe this is a sign to move to higher ground. Is San Francisco higher ground? They got all those hills and crap, and Irish coffees.

Soaked and Not in a Good Way

Costa Mexico is under water. There was a kid in a canoe down the street from my rental. Does anyone have any Chardonnay I can borrow? I mean have.